Two nights ago, among the mass amount of accusations of Sexual misconduct and assault coming from Hollywood, one came that I was not expecting; Jesse Lacey, lead singer of my all-time favorite band, Brand New. Jesse was accused of trying to solicit nude photos from a then 15 year old girl. Jesse was 24 at the time.
I've made a point of choosing to believe a victim's account while still understanding that due process exists in this country and those standing accused of anything are innocent until proven guilty. This didn't make the accusation any less devastating to me.
He's been a musician and writer I've admired for near fifteen years. I've grown with that music. I've been moved by it. I've bonded with strangers over it.
I would never assume any person coming forward about sexual harassment or assault to be a liar. A selfish part of me hoped but not really. I didn't want to think anyone could lie about anything like that.
I didn't know what to expect by the reply came in the form of an open response from Jesse today.
In an effort to address recent events and the public conversation currently happening, I feel it is important to make a clear and personal statement.
The actions of my past have caused pain and harm to a number of people, and I want to say that I am absolutely sorry. I do not stand in defense of myself nor do I forgive myself. I was selfish, narcissistic, and insensitive in my past, and there are a number of people who have had to shoulder the burden of my failures. I apologize for the hurt I have caused, and hope to be able to take the correct actions to earn forgiveness and trust.
Early on in my life, I developed a dependent and addictive relationship with sex. I was scared of it, ashamed, and unwilling or unable to admit it, and so it grew into a consistent and terrible problem. Years ago, after admitting my habits and cheating to my then soon to be wife, I began to approach my problem in a serious way. I entered professional treatment, both in group therapy and individual counseling, and revealed the realities of what a terrible place I had gotten to in my life, and what a terrible impact my actions had on people.
Lust, sex, love, and arousal were coping tools for me, and I returned to them repeatedly. I detached my own feelings and emotions from most of my sexual interactions. I hid, or lied about my behavior to escape reproach. I was a habitual cheater. I have been unfaithful in many, if not most of my relationships, including the relationship with my wife, who has with all of her might, patience, and grace, tried to hold our marriage together, despite having to endure the pain of the revelations of my past. It is heart wrenching that the most important changes in my life have come at the expense of others.
I am sorry for how I have hurt people, mistreated them, lied, and cheated. I am sorry for ignoring the way in which my position, status, and power as a member of a band affected the way people viewed me or their approach to their interactions with me. And I am sorry for how often I have not afforded women the respect, support, or honesty that they deserved, and which is their right. I believe in the equality and autonomy of all, but in my life I have been more of a detriment to these ideals than an advocate.
I am working to shed all my narcissism and my self obsession, and to be better. In sobriety I have changed my life and my mind in real and important ways. I have also revealed the truth of my behaviors to myself and to others. I do not have words to express the patience and help my wife has offered me. I love my family with an intensity and realness that I have never felt before, and as a husband and a father I have been granted the opportunity to wake up each day with the intent to serve my family and the people around me, and to feel, for the first time that I have purpose.
The fact remains that none of us get to put a wall up between who we are and who we were. I need to earn forgiveness. Concepts like repentance, compassion, and love, are made real through actions, and it’s through my actions that I need to prove change. I hope I can show humility, and that the pain I have caused people can heal. I am not above reproach, and no one should be.
Jesse Lacey
I have read through his post 20 times. I feel so let down. I feel disappointed. Devastated.
I'm not going to try to write out any further thoughts now than what I wrote in direct response to Jesse tonight. I doubt he will see it but I needed it to come out.
I have never been so frustrated and saddened by an announcement like the one about you this week.
I want to be able to acknowledge that you sought help long before anyone opened up about your behavior. I want to say that as someone that has let sex control her life in the past that I could understand but the truth is, I can't.
All of my choices in regards to an unhealthy addiction to lust hurt only me. I never took advantage of another person. I never put my hands on anyone that didn't give me permission and while I was never the lead of a band with the power of persona that comes with, I never, ever had even the slightest inkling of taking advantage of my age and experiences to exploit kids.
I really want to believe you're truly sorry and I guess with some of the real darkness of songs I've grown to love, I shouldn't be surprised. But I'm disappointed. I'm devastated.
Then I feel like idiot for remembering that expecting people to be without fault is unfair... but no. Your faults aren't the problem. Everyone has weaknesses and a lot of people struggle with that darkness. I've been there in ways people close to me will never know.
But you've been someone I looked up to for your skills in writing, as a musician. Now all I feel is anger and disappointment that your faults are so heavy, you allowed yourself to ignore the age barrier of a teenage girl.
No. You're not above reproach. You owe that girl a personal apology and need to do right by her, whatever that means for her now.
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