An Accusation, An acknowledgment, A Disappointed fan.

Two nights ago, among the mass amount of accusations of Sexual misconduct and assault coming from Hollywood, one came that I was not expecting; Jesse Lacey, lead singer of my all-time favorite band, Brand New. Jesse was accused of trying to solicit nude photos from a then 15 year old girl. Jesse was 24 at the time. 

I've made a point of choosing to believe a victim's account while still understanding that due process exists in this country and those standing accused of anything are innocent until proven guilty. This didn't make the accusation any less devastating to me. 

He's been a musician and writer I've admired for near fifteen years. I've grown with that music. I've been moved by it. I've bonded with strangers over it. 

I would never assume any person coming forward about sexual harassment or assault to be a liar. A selfish part of me hoped but not really. I didn't want to think anyone could lie about anything like that. 

I didn't know what to expect by the reply came in the form of an open response from Jesse today. 

In an effort to address recent events and the public conversation currently happening, I feel it is important to make a clear and personal statement.

The actions of my past have caused pain and harm to a number of people, and I want to say that I am absolutely sorry. I do not stand in defense of myself nor do I forgive myself. I was selfish, narcissistic, and insensitive in my past, and there are a number of people who have had to shoulder the burden of my failures. I apologize for the hurt I have caused, and hope to be able to take the correct actions to earn forgiveness and trust. 

Early on in my life, I developed a dependent and addictive relationship with sex. I was scared of it, ashamed, and unwilling or unable to admit it, and so it grew into a consistent and terrible problem. Years ago, after admitting my habits and cheating to my then soon to be wife, I began to approach my problem in a serious way. I entered professional treatment, both in group therapy and individual counseling, and revealed the realities of what a terrible place I had gotten to in my life, and what a terrible impact my actions had on people. 

Lust, sex, love, and arousal were coping tools for me, and I returned to them repeatedly. I detached my own feelings and emotions from most of my sexual interactions. I hid, or lied about my behavior to escape reproach. I was a habitual cheater. I have been unfaithful in many, if not most of my relationships, including the relationship with my wife, who has with all of her might, patience, and grace, tried to hold our marriage together, despite having to endure the pain of the revelations of my past. It is heart wrenching that the most important changes in my life have come at the expense of others.

I am sorry for how I have hurt people, mistreated them, lied, and cheated. I am sorry for ignoring the way in which my position, status, and power as a member of a band affected the way people viewed me or their approach to their interactions with me. And I am sorry for how often I have not afforded women the respect, support, or honesty that they deserved, and which is their right. I believe in the equality and autonomy of all, but in my life I have been more of a detriment to these ideals than an advocate.

I am working to shed all my narcissism and my self obsession, and to be better. In sobriety I have changed my life and my mind in real and important ways. I have also revealed the truth of my behaviors to myself and to others. I do not have words to express the patience and help my wife has offered me. I love my family with an intensity and realness that I have never felt before, and as a husband and a father I have been granted the opportunity to wake up each day with the intent to serve my family and the people around me, and to feel, for the first time that I have purpose.

The fact remains that none of us get to put a wall up between who we are and who we were. I need to earn forgiveness. Concepts like repentance, compassion, and love, are made real through actions, and it’s through my actions that I need to prove change. I hope I can show humility, and that the pain I have caused people can heal. I am not above reproach, and no one should be.

Jesse Lacey

I have read through his post 20 times. I feel so let down. I feel disappointed. Devastated. 

I'm not going to try to write out any further thoughts now than what I wrote in direct response to Jesse tonight. I doubt he will see it but I needed it to come out. 

I have never been so frustrated and saddened by an announcement like the one about you this week. 

I want to be able to acknowledge that you sought help long before anyone opened up about your behavior. I want to say that as someone that has let sex control her life in the past that I could understand but the truth is, I can't. 

All of my choices in regards to an unhealthy addiction to lust hurt only me. I never took advantage of another person. I never put my hands on anyone that didn't give me permission and while I was never the lead of a band with the power of persona that comes with, I never, ever had even the slightest inkling of taking advantage of my age and experiences to exploit kids. 

I really want to believe you're truly sorry and I guess with some of the real darkness of songs I've grown to love, I shouldn't be surprised.   But I'm disappointed. I'm devastated. 

Then I feel like idiot for remembering that expecting people to be without fault is unfair... but no. Your faults aren't the problem. Everyone has weaknesses and a lot of people struggle with that darkness. I've been there in ways people close to me will never know. 

But you've been someone I looked up to for your skills in writing, as a musician. Now all I feel is anger and disappointment that your faults are so heavy, you allowed yourself to ignore the age barrier of a teenage girl. 


No. You're not above reproach. You owe that girl a personal apology and need to do right by her, whatever that means for her now. 

Many more facts that show exactly why 45 is an ignorant, lying hypocrite.

45 posted this yesterday with a link to HIS instagram, showing a video of his own followers treating him as someone who deserves worship.

He also posted a series of tweets announcing that transsexuals would be banned from serving in the military in any capacity. (Shown below)

Now, first, I'd like to point out that this is nothing more than a blatant distraction technique while he and the GOP attempted to slip by with their bill to repeal Obamacare with no replacement, effectively taking insurance from over 20 million people in this country.

It's also a distraction to make people angry enough, he hopes, to forget that he and the GOP are trying to repeal Obamacare without any replacement, effectively taking away insurance from over 20 million people in this country.

He's also hoping it will make people forget that he, his family, and much of his administration, colluded with Russia to win him the election despite a HUGE Popular vote win by Hillary Clinton, and continues to collude with Russia now.

However, Mr. Dump,...er..sorry...Drumpf, we have not forgotten. We WILL NOT forget and we WILL not stand for what you have done to this prospering and positively progressive country.

However, seeing as 2018 voting to get rid of all of the Republicans is a year out, let me go ahead and remind everyone why he is such a hypocrite and a liar NOW.

Now, pretending he is a Christian man in itself is a joke. Any true Christian will tell you that Christianity is spreading God's word of love, respect, kindness and compassion...to ALL. 

45 is on record as calling women disgusting names, bragging to Billy Bush about sexually harassing and groping women, has been recorded sexualizing barely teenage children, and don't forget the rape accusations of then 15 year old girls with other wealthy friends of his. 

Tell me, folks. What about any of that behavior says Christian to you? 

Now, let us discuss his announcement to ban Trans men and women from serving in any capacity of the military. Now, the reason for this, as 45 claims, is that the medical costs associated with a Trans soldier's surgical needs are apparently a burden. It's too costly, it seems. 

The argument we see the most in agreement with the Mango Mussolini's ignorance is that transition surgery is elective; that changing one's biological gender is a choice and not a necessity and therefore should be paid for out of their own pocket.

Now, here's where the hypocrisy comes into play. If you research where military spending is most used, you'll find that the medical bills associated with the Trans community cost far less than, say, Viagra for men with erectile disfunction; so much less in fact, that five times more is spent on Viagra than Trans related medical costs(TRM costs). How much exactly? 

According to several fact check websites that got their numbers directly from the military spending reports TRM costs range from 2.4 million to 8.4 million annually. Erectile Disfunction costs? That's more complicated. 

Now, according to this politifact.com article, Viagra is not the only E.D. related medication the military spends millions on every year and in 2014, the Pentagon spent 84.24 million dollars on eight different E.D. drugs. 

In case you're not paying attention, or not great with numbers, the Viagra costs alone are more than five times the "burden" on the Pentagon that TRMs are and E.D. medical costs altogether are more than 10 times the cost of TRM costs. 

Now, being able to physically have sex isn't a medical necessity. I mean, there are religious figures who abstain from sex their entire lives. It's not a requirement medically. It doesn't stop anyone from urinating or anything of the like. Having sex is clearly a choice so why should the Pentagon need to pay for the issues of men who can't get an erection? It's their choice to be sexually active, right? Not to mention, they're far more of a burden on the military financially than anyone in the Transgender community. 

See how easy that was to disprove as a financial burden? That's because it's a lie. 

45 has a problem with every person that isn't another rich, white, greedy bastard. 

He's a racist. 

He's a bigot.

He's sexist. 

He's arrogant.

He's an egotist. 

He's prejudice. 

He's homophobic. 

He's a liar, a phony, a coward an unethical pig, an uneducated, clueless bastard. 

Not to mention, he is the most inexperienced, unworthy sack of bullshit that has absolutely no business in the most powerful seat in the country. 

My Back

Alright folks, so here's the scoop:
I've been having pain in my back again for weeks now. I was trying to get back to being more active and started going for daily walks. It started with just 15 minutes a day for 6 days for the first week. Then I moved it up to 30 minutes a day for 5 to 6 days the next.

Then I moved up to walking by kilometer (figured it would be fun hatching eggs in my PokemonGo game while working up a sweat). I was going either 2-5km for 6 out of 7 days a week and feeling awesome.

Now, I've been having serious back trouble since I injured my lower lumbar area at work back in 2009. THAT injury required injections into the tissue around my spine, physical therapy and several months off from work.

Back in October of 2016, my back started acting up again. I didn't do anything specific to it this time. Unfortunately, every day wear on my back from working 3rd shift front end and stocking, then Cap 2 unloading and stocking at walmart for the last several years just wore down an already problematic lumbar region.

Treating it meant a weight lifting restriction at work of no more than 10lbs. Because I hadn't specifically done an injury to it at work, and despite it being all brought on by that original 2009 injury, Walmart decided it wasn't their fault anymore so they were not required to move me to at position where I didn't have to lift anymore. They told me I could come back when the restrictions were off and I would have to be on an LOA. (Leave of Absence).

Because I was taking an unapproved LOA until I could process it, my insurance was made inactive.

No insurance? No more treatment.

No more treatment? Can't get healed up to go back to work.

No work? No paycheck.

No paycheck? No more rent money, no more car... after everything I had already lost that year, I had to lose even more.

Oh and to boot, my general practitioner doctor moved out of state so no more Doctor? No more anxiety meds

Fast forward to this year. After that awful ear infection mess, the silver lining turned out to be that I was eligible for Medicaid.

Now that I had insurance, I was able to make an appointment with a new Doctor up here that my folks recommended, Dr. Isayenko.

I'm very comfortable talking to her, she has me back on my anxiety meds. She's helping me get my allergies under control, too.

Now,  those few weeks back when I was still walking every day, my back started aching again. I didn't worry too much to start with as I figured it was just my body getting used to being active again.

It kept getting worse though, and when I finally decided I wanted to get it before it got worse, I made an appointment with my new doctor too discuss it.

She put me on Naproxin and told me to take over the counter Extra strength Tylenol with it twice a day.

It helped for a little over a week. I started getting back to my afternoon walks again but the pain didn't disappear. Every morning whether I had been out the day before or taking it easy indoors, it would hurt and burn and throb. It was getting harder to even get out of bed.
Yesterday, while in the middle of my Alma week visit, I woke up at Richie's in a LOT of pain, at least a 7 on the pain scale.

I decided to forego any plans that day, stay in bed and do some reading. I figured taking my pain meds and relaxing the body was better than pushing it further.

By the time Richie got home around 11:30pm, I couldn't move right to get out of bed. Eventually I managed to get up and go to the bathroom and moving about seemed to help, so I sat up a while instead of laying back down.

I needed to sleep eventually though and when I got up, it was because it was time for my folks to get to Alma to grab me. The problem being is that my back was now throbbing, spasming and having shooting pains that wrapped around my lower lumbar to my hip and down my thigh.

I couldn't move. At all. Every slight movement was like someone was stabbing 40 knives into my back while someone else was prying my tailbone from the rest of my body with a crowbar while someone else was holding me over a roaring fire.

No one could get me up. The pain was so bad, I was screaming. This led to calling an ambulance.

Before I could even get to the ambulance, they had to get me down the winding staircase. This meant some drugs in an i.v. to try to ease the pain.

Fentanyl. This stuff is supposed to be more intense than morphine and for a few seconds, SERIOUSLY, SECONDS, I felt great. Then we tried to move me again.

I was screaming in pain the entire time. It was excruciating.

Once I reached the emergency room, I was given a second dose of Fentanyl via a pain patch, some valium, and a muscle relaxer; When all of those combined failed to knock out my pain even minutely, I was given morphine.

This helped just barely take the edge off.

All of these meds together are a really heavy duty cocktail of narcotics and it barely took off the slightest pressure to my level of pain. It took it from an easy 10 to a 9, almost 8.

Now, I guess the Emergency room will only treat symptoms and not the cause of the symptoms, so they did no xray, no MRI and while agreeing I need one, also made it clear that it wouldn't be from them.

Fed up and barely able to walk, I had them discharge me.

They sent me home with a script for Valium, the Fentanyl patches and to continue wth my Naproxin.

My parents took me to get food because by now, my stomach contained plenty of meds and absolutely no food.

Then we decided to drive back to Gaylord to the hospital my Doctor works within in hopes she was on call tonight.

Unfortunately, she is not and just like Alma, they can't do MRI scans either. My only option is to try to get through the weekend and call my Doctor then.

What really sucks is that she wants me to start my physical therapy on Monday morning.

I am convinced it will make it worse but I guess we will see what happens. Anyhow, they still added Norco to my scripts for meds so I am definitely covered to get through until I can talk to my doctor on Monday.

There's the update for you all.

Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, kind messages and check ins. I love you guys too.

So long, Dark Knight

Despite the fact that he was 56 when I was born and his fame was far before my time, I don't recall any time in my life when I didn't know who Adam West was. First and foremost, he was Batman. The first man to ever put on the tights and cowl that we all know and love and give a voice to the Dark Knight.

Growing up, though, he was attached to so much of what I watched and enjoyed.

In the 90s, he voiced one or two episode characters from a lot of my favorite cartoons in that gravely but light voice that every person I've ever met immediately recognized; Rugrats, Batman: The Animated Series, Animaniacs, Johnny Bravo...

He played single roles on t.v. shows I watched like Tales from the Crypt or Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman.

He was EVERYWHERE because EVERYONE wanted him.

He never lost steam either. He has been voicing the animated Mayoral version of himself on Family Guy for 17 years.

His sense of humor was always apparent in his ability to make fun of himself. On Family Guy, his character is a bumbling nitwit version of him.

He portrayed himself on countless "geek" and super hero themed shows and every story I've ever read from those who worked with him was that he was constantly a blast to be around.

There's no part of childhood or adulthood up to this point that didn't include Adam West being involved in at least one show I was watching at any given period. It's honestly heart breaking that he won't be there to continue along as the best part of any t.v. show; watching every episode waiting for the Adam West guest spot.

I will miss so much the pleasant surprise of watching a cartoon and suddenly hearing that voice align with yet another character destined to be a favorite.

Rest in Peace, Caped Crusader

Anti-bullying at my Alma Mater

Over the past week, a post on facebook made its way around from a 15 year old student attending my Alma mater, Alma High school. In the post, this student expressed how frustrated she is by how intense and constant the bullying has become within the walls of this school.

She talked about the lack of response from the teachers and administration of the school. She talked about how much they brushed off complaints of being bullied as being too sensitive.

Her post has led to a number of other posts, some of which I've linked
  Here , Over here and these below.

 

 These are from other students, parents of students and I've even seen this post from a teacher at the high school, using the hashtag #ripcommonsense with a picture of the anti-bullying protest seen outside of his classroom by the road.

Now, I've read all of these posts that have been shared by others in my feed. This article from ABC 12 mentions that 11 students have been removed from the school by their parents due to being bullied.

Yet, despite the fact that 11 students have been pulled because their parents were tired of the school not stepping in to stop their child being bullied, many of these posts I've seen are actually condemning the peaceful anti-bully protest & anti-bullying social media posts.

There are actually people who have the audacity to say, 'Well, these kids are just too sensitive, they need to toughen up' or 'It's not bullying if it's just an off-color joke.'

I've sat here for some time tonight/this morning reading and rereading these posts and feeling anger welling inside my chest. I knew I was going to post on this subject but I needed to try to figure out what I wanted to say without ranting or losing my composure.

This issue feels personal for me because 14 years ago, I graduated from Alma High School...and for the 4 years I was there, I was bullied constantly.

Now, I know that the administration of my time there is not the same administration that currently runs the school.

Having said that, 11 students being pulled from school due to bullying speaks volumes to how an already awful school system has managed to become even worse.

That bothers me enough because I know how inconvenient the heads of Alma High school seemed to view accusations of assault, bullying and the like during my years. Now, in a world where bullying doesn't end at home because social media and cell phones make harassment a few clicks away, even then, this school hasn't managed to step up to deal with this increasing problem.

Yet, there are still people who think it's okay to insist that these kids, KIDS, are too sensitive, too thin-skinned, not tough enough.

Let me tell you, friends and family, what it's like being a harassed & bullied kid at Alma High school. These are stories I have rarely spoken about, including some my family hasn't even heard about previously.

1. My freshman year, I had a classmate who had a locker only a few down from mine. This guy thought it was okay and even funny when I bent to get into my locker every day to come up behind me and either slap my ass, grind on my ass or yell loud comments about my ass for the entire hallway to hear.

I tried repeatedly to handle this situation myself because I didn't want to feel like I couldn't fight my own battles (as all of these seemingly pro-bully folks say).

I tried asking him to leave me alone. I tried getting in his face.
I tried coming to a teacher who looked around briefly for the other kid and then said he hadn't seen anything and couldn't do anything if he didn't see it.
I went to the Assistant Principal who told me that the teachers are usually in the hall and one of them would have to see something happen and not just "take my word." I asked them to have one of the hall monitors at least come up that hallway while I was getting in my locker ANY morning during the week then. Not once in the next week did any of them show up in that section of hallway.
It wasn't until I swung around one day and punched him in the face that the situation stopped. Even then, I think that only happened because miraculously, a hall monitor showed up when I punched him, intervened and after I told her what had been happening, made it clear that we weren't to interact anymore.

He wasn't punished and I was left feeling like I'd been equally responsible for something that happened TO ME.

2. The same hallway by the same lockers the same year: coming back from lunch, we weren't supposed to wander the hallways at the opposite end of the school from the cafeteria because the kids on the other lunch hour might be in class.

I was one of a group that cut across the courtyard to get to where our lockers were before our next class. That was where we waited for the bell that marked the end of lunch and released sitting classes to ring and we could be let go by the hall monitor blocking us from going any further down the hallway.

Another male student from my own class took great joy in tormenting me. He stood in front of that crowd, LESS THAN A FOOT from the hall monitor, screaming lies about me so everyone would hear. He decided to tell everyone that I had been pregnant (I wasn't), that I had slept with 8 of my classmates (I was a virgin) and proceeded to list them. Several of these boys were nearby. Some laughed and grinned as it was just some bragging point for them. Others made loud protests about how I was too ugly to sleep with.

I stood trying to pretend I wasn't humiliated and tried to scream back. The hall monitor did and said absolutely nothing. She just rolled her eyes even as the bell rang and I, starting to sob, ran off to the bathroom to fall apart.

I told the teacher of my next class, who promised to discuss it with the principal. The next day, she couldn't look me in the eye my entire class. I waited until the end to that class to ask her if she had talked to the principal. She could barely get out that it was passed on to her that it was just best to keep us separated so we didn't "bicker with each other." This kid played Football and the following semester, I was switched from one science class to another so I wouldn't be in class with him anymore. I was switched, not him, nor was he reprimanded. I WAS switched. Again, I was the one treated like I was in the wrong.

3. This story, I was in 9th grade still. I'm upstairs in my science class (1st semester) and was having a hard day. The same kid had once again started the 'Angela sleeps with everyone' rumors. According to this kid, over the first 3 years we were in school, I had a abortion 17 times but I was pregnant 3 times. (Clearly, math wasn't his forte).

I stepped out to use the bathroom, the only place I let myself cry at school, and ended up finding something worse. You know the mock elections that get put into yearbooks for the senior class every year? 'Best smile' and 'Most likely to succeed.' On the mirrors in the bathroom, and on random spots on the walls in various hallways I saw later, were printer fliers with various, cruel and terrible ones. "Fattest person in school" "Ugliest person in school" -  Under the latter was my name.

I stayed in that bathroom for the rest of class. When class let out, I slipped in, grabbed my bag and walked out of school and walked home. No one would know I skipped because I'd get home by the time the bus got there and I could walk in, so that's what I did.

That was the first time in my life that I seriously considered ending it because I couldn't handle how I felt so hated by people who didn't know me. I didn't know what I did wrong to be treated so cruelly.

This is just 3 instances in ONE YEAR as a high school freshman from 99-00. Bullying of this intensity continued throughout my high school years.

My graduation was 14 years ago. That day was a celebration for me because it meant never having to walk the halls that I was so tormented in ever again.

A lot has changed in 14 years.

Kids now are not just bullied by the people in their classes all day during school hours. They're bullied on facebook. They're bullied via text messages. Some are even bullied by the parents of their tormentors in retaliation for turning THEIR child in.

Take a moment and think about the memories I shared with you and how emotionally crippling those and the other things I haven't shared must have been. Think about how deeply scarred I felt.

Now take that feeling and imagine not even escaping it at home. Imagine it magnified times ten and having no relief from it because the internet still exists after school and over the weekend. Text messages still get sent after school and over the weekend. Bullies can still harass you after school and over the weekend.

It's time to stop invalidating these kids feelings and what they are going through because you think that calling them whores and sluts is just an "off color joke taken too seriously."

It's time to stop shrugging off bullying and hazing with "boys will be boys" and "it's all in good fun."

In another school in this country, a boy was sodomized in his high school locker room and before the parents got involved, it was "just boys rough-housing."

Children as young as 10 years old are ending their lives because at that age, every single thing you experience is in a set time you can't escape from. You're in school with the same people for 13 years, typically and unless you're down to that last handful of months or weeks, you feel hopeless.

The most important part of all of this is that it is the responsibility of the school, its administration, its teachers and its other staff to provide a SAFE LEARNING ENVIRONMENT for these kids.

Yes, it's important for parents to teach their kids not to bully and to hold their child accountable for their actions if they DO bully another kid. However, if the school doesn't get involved, mediate between students and bring in the parents when necessary, how are these kids supposed to feel safe at all?

I know what kind of school Alma was when I left. Clearly, it has only devolved. It's time for them to do better and to be held accountable.

It's time to stop making excuses and victim blaming these kids.

Alma High School needs to do better.

I watched the end & my tears won't stop falling

In 2009, I was emotionally recovering from my short lived marriage and shocking (to me) divorce the year before.

My best friend from the time we were ten emailed, texted, called or messaged me on one or both of our social media accounts every single day after it happened. She would check on me, write me long emails making sure I knew she was absolutely always here to listen no matter how much I repeated the same thoughts, feelings and sentiments.

She always knew, it seemed, what the right thing was to say. If I needed a listening ear, she just listened. If I wasn't sure what to do next, she'd offer advice without ever pushing me one way or another.

She'd distract me when I needed to stop thinking for a bit.

One of those distractions was starting to watch the new book to television adaptation, The Vampire Diaries.

Vampires were pretty popular in television and movies that year. The first book of the Twilight series had been turned into a film the previous year and the books were released to supply the sudden demand for them. Renewed interest in both the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series as well its spinoff Angel led to increased purchases of the dvd and views on Netflix.

The Vampire Diaries looked cheesy to me to begin with. I'd read the Twilight series because she had mentioned loving them and despite being sure they were tween novels, I gave them a shot anyway.

Shortly afterward, because she'd already started the show when it began, she recommended that too. I decided to go ahead. It gave us something to talk about that wasn't my failed marriage.

Just three years later, a spinoff was in the works based off of a few characters that were originally (no pun intended) meant to be part of a single season, two at the most.

She and I spent a lot of time texting and messaging about how much we were enjoying this series. Certainly, I was more than I expected to.

I didn't know to begin with that Ian Somerhalder was one of the main actors in the show.

I'd been a huge fan of his previous work from his short-lived story arc on Smallville to his racy, sexy character on Rules of Attraction.

When The Originals was announced, we both chattered excitedly about how much we loved the idea of a second show in the same universe. We were looking so forward to it.

 Then, in October of 2012, she was taken from us by a distracted driver. She never got to see The Originals air.

I stopped watching Vampire Diaries for a while. I tried a few times to binge it but always managed to stop around the last season she got to see.

I've had a lot of time to think since then and this year, just a couple of weeks ago, The Vampire Diaries came to an end.

I knew she would have been in front of that tv watching the end and texting me about it as she did. I also knew she'd want to kick me if I didn't watch when she can't.

I gave another shot at binging and tonight, knowing I would feel a major sadness that the end of one of the last things we shared had come, I watched the finale.

WARNING. SPOILERS OF THE FINAL EPISODE OF THE VAMPIRE DIARIES AHEAD

What I wasn't expecting was how overwhelmed with grief the last episode left me tonight.

The entire series was about the ups and downs of two brothers who, no matter what they've put each other through, always take care of each other in the end.  They love each other above all else.

Somehow, I expected the series to end with all of my favorites getting their happily ever after. Maybe I felt like that because I had just finished Bones, another series that ended this year and had wrapped up rather nicely, so I assumed that TVD would as well.

One brother sacrificing his life and dying, allowing the other to live a long and happy life before finally getting to see one another again only in the afterlife... That hit way too close to home.

Before the episode ended, I was shaking, trembling and sobbing. I was doing the same when the episode ended and for a solid 20 minutes after.

I was trying so hard to stifle the sobs because I just didn't want to try to form the words to express why I was a wreck to anyone else. I just wanted to sit here for a while and cry and miss my friend... my sister by choice.

I'll continue to watch The Originals and hope it's a while before this one ends.

If I took anything from this episode, it's that I too hope that one day, I'll get to greet her on the other side when my time comes, hug her tight and finally have peace.

Squints Around the World Unite

In 2005, I hadn't been all that involved in watching television. I watched movies with friends if I wasn't out to dinner or at a party with them. I went to shows and generally, if I was home at all, it was to sleep for a bit. 

However, I HAD been a HUGE fan of both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the spinoff, Angel. Both of those marvelous shows starred or co-starred David Boreanez. 

Unfortunately, both of those had ended in 2003 and 2004, respectively. I hadn't watched much television since. 

Somewhere in the middle of 2005, I saw a preview of David's new show beginning that Fall called Bones. It would be based off of the books by Kathy Reichs about Forensic Anthropologist Temperance Brennan, a bones expert who uses her knowledge to help solve murder cases. 

I had always enjoyed watching Forensic Files on t.v. and reading articles and stories on Criminology. I also really loved David Boreanez in his other work and decided to give this show a try. 

From day one, I was completely enthralled with Bones. The characters pulled me in, made me want to watch more and excited for what would come next. 

Eric Millegan made me absolutely adore Zach Addy right away. I was so crushed by the end of the Gormagon storyline while also being astonished beyond words that I hadn't figured out the story before it ended. 

That is just one of the best things about watching Bones. For me, it was never predictable. 

Characters that I was sure were the culprit each week often wound up innocent. It was wonderfully infuriating. I was always so good at figuring out the puzzle before the ending of other shows and movies! 

Bones was different. 

Every week made me impatient for the next episode. Every season end made me feel sad for the summer hiatus that sometimes felt so prolonged. 

The ongoing battle for the King of the Lab title between Zach Addy and TJ THYNE's Jack Hodgins was endlessly entertaining. 

The slow build up of love between Bones and Booth, played by Emily Deschanel & David Boreanez. It never felt forced. It never felt rushed. Their struggles, while sometimes intense because of their jobs,also managed to be realistic outside of that. 

The horrendously, soul crushing death of Ryan Cartwright's Vincent Nigel-Murray: I cannot recall a television death that left me feeling so emotionally raw as that one. For a few brief minutes, I forgot I was watching a television program and felt the harsh ache of loss watching Dr. Brennan hold Mr. Nigel-Murray in his last moments. 

Watching Hodgins and Angela (Michaela Conlin) fall in love with each other over and over, struggle through horrific problems and always come out stronger... 

Sniffling as Wendell Bray (Michael Grant Terry) was diagnosed with Cancer with a highly improbable remission rate. 

Feeling devastated at the sudden death of would be father, Dr. Lance Sweets, made memorable and lovable by the handsome, talented and brilliant John Francis Daley. 

Realizing how incredibly sad you feel that John Boyd was not part of the cast for the entire series because you absolutely love Aubrey right from his first episode. I cannot express how uncommon it is for me to love such a late introduced character.

Some of my absolute favorite storylines of all-time were centered on Arastoo Vaziri, portrayed by the irreplaceable, incredible and commanding presence of Pej Vahdat. 

We live in a society of people quick to judge others by their skin color, their sexual preference and also their religion. 

Arastoo reminded viewers that those of Muslim belief, among others, are stuck within so many stereotypes that those who practice can often feel obligated to stick the confines of those stereotypes just to function within our society. 

Arastoo faked an accent just to avoid questions about his religious beliefs. He lost his composure when Hodgins even unwittingly acted offensively. 

The best part of Arastoo, for me, is the reminder that we need to recognize as a country that some of the most intelligent and promising individuals are not just Caucasian Americans but Muslim Americans. Denying what these men and women bring to our country not only in terms of culture but knowledge and skills, expertise and work ethic we seem to be sorely lacking in. 

Not to mention, a show that portrays a man of Muslim faith not as a terrorist, or a taxi driver, but a hard-working, compassionate, passionate, brilliant Doctor of Forensic Anthropology? We need some much more of this in the world, especially when portrayed by Pej. 

I could go on about my favorite episodes for hours. I was there when the show began. I sat on the couch tonight, alternating between holding my breath & sobbing into my shirt sleeve as it came to an end. 

I have been both looking dearly forward to and sadly dreading this end. It's an even 50/50 for me on shows that have ended perfectly and others that were extremely disappointing in their wrap up. 

Other shows have come and gone in the 12 years since Bones began. 

I often tuned in late or sporadically. 

I never missed an episode of Bones. 

After the finale tonight, I couldn't be happier with the beautiful, action-packed, intense, on the edge of my seat finish. 

Every single actor and actress over the years made this show the wonderment that it was. I'm already, just in these few hours since it played, wondering how long I will have to wait until a reunion series will happen. 

Thank you to all of you for making me love and admire your hard work so much. 

Thank you to every writer on the show for helping to give depth to each character I already desperately want to see more of.

You will be desperately missed from my DVR list each week. I cannot wait to see what each of you works on next. 

Thank you for 12 years of marvelous entertainment.